Them (nutshelled, actually fairly diplomatically phrased, for them, whatever that's worth): "My blood pressure is going sky high, I'm getting really dangerous migraines, I have too much stress, and I might have a stroke. I've decided to cut certain stressors out of my life. Unfortunately, you're one of them. I don't care that you're my sister--I don't trust you or like you, and I don't approve of your lifestyle or friends, and I hate associating with you, even at family events. So, deal with it."
Me (for real, this time): Absolute silence. I have no idea what to say, as this is coming out of the blue, with no warning whatsoever. I actually thought we were doing fairly well. After all, we were actually able to hold a conversation and be civil, if we were careful to not discuss certain topics.
Them (follow up phone call to the previous little bombshell): "Can you baby sit?"
Me (again, for real): "Sure."
WHAT I SHOULD HAVE SAID:
What, I am apparently literally making you sick, you don't trust me or like me, and you refuse to actually try to have a productive conversation about it, so that we can possibly work on a compromise, and now, fifteen minutes later, you want to trust me with your precious children? Wow. Can you shove your head any further up your ass? That's actually pretty impressive. No. I will not watch your children while you belittle me, and then proceed to bitch and moan and make excuses for your life. I have one. YOU deal with it, and grow up. I'm 8 years younger than you, and I still have more of a f*cking clue. No, you know what? On second thought, I will watch the kids for you. Maybe they'll have a decent influence rub off on them.
Me (for real, this time): Absolute silence. I have no idea what to say, as this is coming out of the blue, with no warning whatsoever. I actually thought we were doing fairly well. After all, we were actually able to hold a conversation and be civil, if we were careful to not discuss certain topics.
Them (follow up phone call to the previous little bombshell): "Can you baby sit?"
Me (again, for real): "Sure."
WHAT I SHOULD HAVE SAID:
What, I am apparently literally making you sick, you don't trust me or like me, and you refuse to actually try to have a productive conversation about it, so that we can possibly work on a compromise, and now, fifteen minutes later, you want to trust me with your precious children? Wow. Can you shove your head any further up your ass? That's actually pretty impressive. No. I will not watch your children while you belittle me, and then proceed to bitch and moan and make excuses for your life. I have one. YOU deal with it, and grow up. I'm 8 years younger than you, and I still have more of a f*cking clue. No, you know what? On second thought, I will watch the kids for you. Maybe they'll have a decent influence rub off on them.
posted by:
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California
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Re: You Make Me Sick
Wed, September 5, 2007 - 9:21 PMWHAT I WOULD'VE SAID
'fuck you!'
closely followed by a dial tone..... -
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Re: You Make Me Sick
Thu, September 6, 2007 - 3:13 AM"Tell me if this sounds like a phone hanging up?"
(Cllick) -
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Re: You Make Me Sick
Thu, September 6, 2007 - 2:22 PMsounds like my sister without the kid
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Re: You Make Me Sick
Sat, September 8, 2007 - 11:01 PMIm like missing context here babe. -
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Re: You Make Me Sick
Mon, September 10, 2007 - 8:31 PMMissing context? Yeah, that's kinda the same problem I had, too. There was none. Just a long, crappy, ranty diatribe that came out of the clear blue.
Nutshelled: Brother calls, tells me (seemingly randomly) that I'm a wart on his backside, and he wants me out of his life. Um.... okay? Yeah, I'm not sure what to say to that one. So, being nice, I try to say, "I don't want to lose a relationship with you, because we've worked really hard on having one, and I thought we were doing just fine." I'm told that my opinion is (ahem) WRONG (wait, I thought opinions couldn't be wrong, since they aren't really based on facts, but perceptions--did I miss something?), and that there is no way to fix this. We hang up. I cry. He calls back with, "Hey, can you babysit?"
There you go. Make more sense? Yeah, not to me, either. -
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Re: You Make Me Sick
Tue, September 11, 2007 - 11:42 AMI completely understood the first time... do I get a tootsie pop?
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Re: You Make Me Sick
Tue, September 11, 2007 - 3:15 PMYou have to be fucking kidding me if you're going to babysit for this person.
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Re: You Make Me Sick
Tue, September 11, 2007 - 3:54 PMWhat I would do now...
Call your brother up and say... Stay the fuck out of my life. You're a waste of thought.
Then call him back 15 minutes later and say... Can you wipe my ass for me?
Before he answers... hang up
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Re: You Make Me Sick
Fri, September 21, 2007 - 10:36 PM'I would have said...
It's conversations like this that make me wish mommy and daddy had believed in abortion!
And as far as babysitting goes? Your wife should have had one!
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Re: You Make Me Sick
Tue, October 9, 2007 - 1:52 PMOh Gurl you have sooooo many options now.. Tell them You would be Happy to watch their children.
Once you have the kids, Square off with the kidlings and tell them this "EVERY TIME IT RAINS ITS GOD CRYING BECAUSE YOUR PARENTS ARE HORRIBLE PEOPLE!"
Explain to the chillins that at night when you hear your mom screaming its your daddy hurting her!
They may as well pay someone to raise their children, well adjusted.
Be sweet as pecan pie......
I Promise no more calls like these..... heheh.. -
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Re: You Make Me Sick
Wed, January 30, 2008 - 6:39 PMThat is by far the best solution yet. hehehe.....mwaaahhhhh hahaha....That was good Tatt -
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Re: You Make Me Sick
Thu, January 31, 2008 - 7:51 AMI'd say, give me my sister back, but it appears that there are more than one cut of the same cloth. Class 101 boundary setting.
Naomi, I've been dealing with the crap for years. Although it is emotionally very difficult, intellectually I totally understand: a) this has zippo to do with you, b) this has zippo to do with you, and c) this has zippo to do with you. Your sister has decided to blame you for her own emotional state. Your sister has decided to blame you for phsyical state. Wow, you must be a god, having so much power. I'm assuming that she is over 18 and that she hasn't, as she should, accepted responsibility for her own shit.
Let me guess, she just joined Alanon or Coda or got a therapista?
Oh yeah Naomi, this is not about you and if I may be so bold - fuck your sister. She'll see soon enough that without you in her life she doesn't have one minute less stress. And, to recap, her inferring that if you don't change, you will literally kill her, either by heart attack (does she eat red meat?) or stress, is classic defensive behavior to oneself presented as offensive behaviour to someone who is innocent.
What I wish I had said to my sister: What the fuck did you do all those years in Alanon? I can't believe you ever did the steps, after all, you never got past 'I have a right to my feelings'. Surprise, surprise Christine, so do I.
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Re: You Make Me Sick
Fri, March 7, 2008 - 7:12 PMShort and sweet. "Im sorry you feel that way" totally passive, yet still gives you the upper hand and does not beg for any kind of make up, or lets work it out nor does it apologize for the way YOU decide to live your life.....just simply...Im sorry you feel that way, its a thing of beauty. -
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Re: You Make Me Sick
Sun, March 9, 2008 - 8:08 PMSeems to me that anything is connected with the upper hand is not passive, it is passive aggressive. But when someone says I'm sorry you feel that way, it could be the sincerest truth and they are kind for being so honest and aren't looking for hand or anything, that to me is indeed a beautiful thing. -
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Re: You Make Me Sick
Sun, March 9, 2008 - 8:20 PM"sorry you feel that way " means " i dont give a flying fuck about you "
period . -
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Re: You Make Me Sick
Sun, March 9, 2008 - 9:16 PMI always liked the simplistic elegance of "Sorry you feel that way", personally. And while I didn't use it in that particular situation, I have used it (with the same person) more recently. I never really took it as "I don't give a flying fuck about you", mostly because I am a rather painfully blunt person, when I get angry enough that I'd feel that way about someone. I get to the point that I mean "I don't give a flying fuck about you", I'll actually say it, in those words.
For me, and I made certain to articulate this last time I did use "Sorry you feel that way", it just means "Okay, I heard you; I disagree and I'm not going to stop being myself or start kissing your ass just because you feel that way, but I did hear you and I really don't have anything polite to contribute. You obviously have a problem with me, just as I equally obviously don't, so we'll just have to agree to disagree."
It didn't work any better by being that blunt that time either, but hell, it was worth a shot.
Just as an update to this particular situation: we still don't get along, but we've declared a moratorium, at least for the time being, on openly hostile interactions. We smile nicely, think nasty thoughts, and try to keep our mutual mother from having a meltdown because her kids don't like each other. Though when we're away from Mom, and have to be nice, it does get a great deal more snippy. Because I don't really give a flying fuck anymore, I'm actually starting to find it all rather amusing. I'm an evil person, and I have to admit I enjoy watching him try to fix the fact that he's being an ass and knows it. -
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Re: You Make Me Sick
Sun, March 9, 2008 - 9:36 PMNaomi, you aren't evil, far from it.
I like stuff to work out. I used to throw myself under the bus just so that we would agree. It took me years and years to be able to be honest and open my mouth when I knew it would mean we would disagree and even long for me to say out loud that I was was sorry about someone else's feelings. I totally understand finding works that work and I've used that expression myself. Sometimes I've had to set boundaries that are rigid that people just have to meet or there is a consequence. I could probably count how often I've done this, but when the person says no, I am indeed sorry that they feel that way. I've also said it really snotty to annoying snippy people at work that are giving me a piece of their (vacuous)(uninformed)(filled with transferrance) mind. So sometimes it does mean I don't give a flying fuck.
All that said, I have zippo success at dealing with my sisters. I've tried but they're both so busy 'putting me in my place' that I don't have to set any boundaries re: a relationship. The first time I don't agree on anything (i.e., what kind of fucking donut) they don't speak to me for 10 years. It is exhausting. Naomi I think what you are doing is great and it may not be as hard for you as even trying to do is for me but I'm fucking impressed about what you are doing. Seriously. And you did it nicely. My hat goes off to you.
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